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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 4:57 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:05 pm
Posts: 11
A man walks into a bar one night and notices a disappointed look on the barkeep's face.

"Whats wrong?" says the man?

The bartender says nothing, but produces a tiny piano from behind the bar, followed by a tiny bench, followed by a man no more than 9 inches tall. He sits the tiny man at the mini piano, and he begins to play a tune.

"Thats amazing, but, how?"

The bartender then produces a magic lamp from behind the bar
"Rub it," he says, so the man rubs the lamp. The Genie pops out in a cloud of smoke and says to the man, "For freeing me, I will grant you one wish."

"I wish for a million bucks," says the man. "Granted" says the genie, and disappears back into the lamp.

Seconds later, a duck walks into the bar, followed by another, then another, until there are a million ducks standing around.

"Hey, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks," to which the bartender says, "well do you think i asked for a 9 inch pianist?"


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:36 am 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 6343
Location: PA
this is too good not to share with you guys lol i love it!!! ...

Why Parents Drink ...

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion....Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. Well be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Paul


P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2009 7:21 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop"

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "Air New Zealand"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.



The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways." :eek: :blush:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 1:04 am 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buds and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the 'sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"
:eek:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:55 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
In Homestead Florida, a fire destroyed a fourplex.

A Puerto Rican family of
six car thieves lived on the first floor, and all
six died in the
fire.

A Mexican group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in
the Country, lived
on the second floor, and they, too, all perished
in the Fire.

Six Black ex-cons drug dealers lived on the 3rd
floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top
floor. They survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were
furious. They flew Into Miami and quickly
demanded a meeting with the
fire chief. On camera, They loudly demanded to
know why the Blacks,
the Mexicans and the Puerto Ricans all died in the fire
and only the
white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied, "BECAUSE THEY
WERE AT WORK"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 7:37 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
bitches till the end

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences, and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
---------------
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'



-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour

just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed

to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:32 am 
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Quarter mile
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Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:19 pm
Posts: 2773
Location: LINDENWOLD
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can (Bud Light), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

"Just trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued to count on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Arkansas.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:35 am 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"




"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."


"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."


"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me." :eek:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:44 pm 
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60ft
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Posts: 230
Location: Brandon,MS.
Why do women wear panties?
State law requires that all manholes be covered when not being serviced

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Chevy made the LUV before they made the S10, so 'Who's your Daddy?'


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue May 19, 2009 12:21 am 
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60ft
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Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2008 3:15 pm
Posts: 230
Location: Brandon,MS.
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first
house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:24 am 
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Quarter mile
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Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:17 am
Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy
Hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist
:eek:


:devil:
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
Inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a
D.C. Airport. There were protesters on the train platform handing out
Pamphlets, on the evils of America .. I politely declined to take
One.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
Declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's
Shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young
Lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in
France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in
Vietnam . All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to
Stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll
Stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." :boxing:



How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh, Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'


He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone :D



Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony 's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony 's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests...Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony 's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony 's only got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
:eek:




The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
> dignified,
> well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
>
>
> 'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man
> replied.
>
> 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
> prefer
> someone else', said the madam.
>
> 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
> visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and
> gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
> calmly left.
>
>
> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
> Valerie.
> Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
> she
> was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still
> $5000.
>
> Again, the man pulled out the money,gave it to Valerie, and they went
> upstairs.
> After an hour, he left.
>
>
> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
> that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
> they went upstairs.
>
>
>
> After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been
> with me
> three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
>
> The man replied, ' Ontario '.
>
>
> 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
>
> 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
> asked
> me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
>
> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
>
> 1. Death
> 2. Taxes
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
> :frown5:
>

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 10:22 am 
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60ft
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Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2008 3:15 pm
Posts: 230
Location: Brandon,MS.
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew
that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch
them, but he had to try.. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, the Kings chief doctor. Horatio thought
about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy
his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queens bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would
work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,
which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queens large and magnificent breasts. The Queens
itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a
hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1,000 gold coins With his obsession now satisfied, Nick
couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this
matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the Kings underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills.

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Chevy made the LUV before they made the S10, so 'Who's your Daddy?'


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 11:33 am 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
:eek: :yikes: :lol2:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 12:27 pm 
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
After i got married, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Dipietro

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Cardinal, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the cam ping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' :devil:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 12:33 pm 
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
My father-in-law is 85. He sent this information to me, I thought I'd pass it along.

Q:I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A:Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life o f your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart atta cks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Apparently what kills you is being an American.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 9:12 am 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
:rolleyes: ok , you knew these were coming so ......... :devil:

Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the
night at Neverland Ranch.

Reports that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are
untrue... He actually died having a stroke in the children's ward.

In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into
plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.

In accordance with Michael Jackson's will, little boys' pants shall be
flown at half-mast today.

Doctors are looking into claims that MJ's death could have been caused
by an allergic reaction from eating 12 year old nuts.

I heard Michael Jackson died of food poisoning from eating a 5 year old
wiener.

Micheal jackson will always be with us... he is not biodegradable.

Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he
could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to
simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes
later, Michael Jackson died.

MJ's dying wish was to be melted down and turned into straws so he can
still get sucked on by kids.




It has been released that MJs last wish was that he wants to be melted
down and made into a slide so kids can go down on him forever.

Michael Jackson's ashes are going to be put in an Etch A Sketch so kids
can still twiddle his knob.




Michael Jackson's death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors
told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.

Only in America can someone be born a poor black kid, and die a rich
white woman.

Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much
they wanted for the kids.




Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours
of this morning!




Michael Jackson's last words: "Take me to the Children's Hospital!"

What was Michael Jacksons last hit? The floor!

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really shouldn't have looked
at the man in the mirror.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 9:41 am 
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60ft
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Posts: 155
Michael Jackson is actually going to be buried in the Great State of Pennsylvania!!!!!
in a town in north western PA called Dubois (pronounced do boys)!!!!!!!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 2:09 pm 
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60ft
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Posts: 230
Location: Brandon,MS.
A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:00 am 
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.





My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?' :eek: :D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:47 am 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
French woman

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted

"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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