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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:42 pm 
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Quarter mile
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thats some funny sh*t right there - i tell you what :!:

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Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:44 pm 


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:44 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"



The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."



"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"


Yep! I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ."



"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"



"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."



"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"




"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."



The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."



"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"



The man o ffers $20 and walks out with the parrot.



Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.




One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."



"What are you talking about?" asks the man.




"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."




"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"




"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.




"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"




"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."



Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"


"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!" :o

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 10:20 pm 
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60ft

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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings ac count and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the pre sident's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring h imself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head a gainst the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank ofCanada !'

The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 2:59 pm 
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1000ft
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Quote:
FoxBodyAngel



Thank you, thats some funny $hit.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:19 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Something To Offend Nearly Everyone :lol:


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q Where does an Irish family go on vacation
A A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A A speech impediment.

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. W hat do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80- year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y' all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Q Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
:roll:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:39 am 
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Quarter mile
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Location: Richboro, PA
>
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> 1. Innovative
> 2. Preliminary
> 3. Proliferation
> 4. Cinnamon
>
> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> 1. Specificity
> 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
> 4. Transubstantiate
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> 1. No thanks, I'm married.
> 2. Nope, no more booze for me!
> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
> 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
> 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
> 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
> 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
> coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
> 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking
> lot or on the side of the road.
> 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
> And of course, "No, they don't look fake to me."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 8:46 am 
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Quarter mile
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Location: Richboro, PA
> > A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
that his zipper > > was down & his fly area is wide open.
> >
> > His secrectary walked up to him & said "Boss, this
morning when you > > left your house, did you close your garage door?" > >
> > This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he
went into his > > office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his > > paperwork he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. > >
> > He zipped it up & remembering what his secrectary had
told him, > > finally understood. Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of >
> > coffee from his secrectary. When he reached her desk, he
said:"When > > you saw the garage door open did you see my Ford E xpedition parked in > > there?"
> >
> > His secrectary smiled for a moment & said:"No boss I
didn't, all I saw >
> > was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires" :)

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 9:10 am 
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Quarter mile
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Location: Richboro, PA
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her primary students put on his boots

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them.'

Now she didn' t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left, to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed them in the toes of my boots'

Her trial starts next month.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 1:07 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: PA
lol april the one about saying things when your drunk was good :)

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:38 pm 
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Quarter mile
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rskelly wrote:
lol april the one about saying things when your drunk was good :)


haha. my dad sent it to me last night. lmao!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 11:21 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: PA
YeloStngGrl wrote:
rskelly wrote:
lol april the one about saying things when your drunk was good :)


haha. my dad sent it to me last night. lmao!



lol i love your dad!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 7:23 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: right here
What do you call the perfect breakfast? Your son on the cover of sports ill., your girlfriend on the cover of playboy, and your wife's pic on the side of the milk carton!!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:08 pm 
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60ft

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I'm pleading the fifth on that question...... Def. a loaded question. :shock:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 9:23 pm 
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A dog is man's best friend, and here's a way to prove it. Lock you dog and your wife in the trunk of your car. Come back in one hour, open the trunk, and see who's glad to see you !

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 11:14 am 
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Quarter mile
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Lmao!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:04 pm 
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60ft

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Location: The timeslip booth
What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:54 pm 
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How can you tell if i witch is horny? Which end of the broom she's riding.
Why don't witches wear underwear? to get a better grip on the broom.
Where do hookers shop? The hole depot. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:50 am 
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Quarter mile
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Location: Richboro, PA
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around

the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."


The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with

gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the

leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:51 am 
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Location: LINDENWOLD
:lol: :lol: :lol: THATS GREAT :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 10:44 am 
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Joined: Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:07 am
Posts: 9
Location: New York
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies' he responded.
'Oh. Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'

:lol:

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