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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:46 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off.
Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father,
'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said. 'Sure had a big d*ck, didn't it?' :eek:

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Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 10:00 am 


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 10:00 am 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
>
> Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
> we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
>
> The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
> 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
>
> Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
> was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
> That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
> burned by Little Johnny before.
>
> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
> so she called on him.
>
> Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
> are so big she can only fasten eight.'
>
> The teacher sat down and cried.
>

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:37 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley
when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge
so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

& So, she does, with a deep tongue kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was
the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you
committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:14 am 
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Revived from the dead threads...

Payback

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me but I have not
seen him here in heaven."


God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spendingeternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him andwish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said."I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.
In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one armand a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannotbe that bad."


God explained. "Things are not always as they seem............... The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:40 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles... Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because... She Replied...

"I Really Miss Mine"

I told you it was a California Love Story.

I know you are laughing... I did.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 4:12 pm 
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Posts: 5390
Location: Maryland
An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

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It's that time of year again, my daughter will be participating in The Polar Bear Plunge to benefit Special Olympics of Maryland.
Every little thing helps, click the link below if you'd like to donate. Thank you

http://plunge2012.kintera.org/faf/do...upid=278994832


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 4:28 pm 
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Location: Maryland
This guy went into a bar in in Scotland, sat down and asked the bartender for a pint. The bartender brings him his pint and says "did yer see that wall out there when yer come in ? I build that wall with my own two hands. But do they call me Angus the wall builder? NO! No they don't". Bewildered, the guy drank his pint and asked for another, the bartender brings him another pint and says "see this bar yer in, ah built it too. With mah sweat and blood. But do they call me Angus the bar builder? Oooooooh no.... 'Course not." The guy is a little more confused but continues to drink his pint and ask for one more. The bartender brings him another pint and says "do yer see this fine furniture here in me bar, I made all of this wit me own two hands also, but do the call me Angus the furnitur builder, HELL NO !". The bartender than starts to walk away but stops and exlaims "But yer f#ck one sheep !".

_________________
It's that time of year again, my daughter will be participating in The Polar Bear Plunge to benefit Special Olympics of Maryland.
Every little thing helps, click the link below if you'd like to donate. Thank you

http://plunge2012.kintera.org/faf/do...upid=278994832


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 5:18 pm 
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
JEWISH DIVORCE....
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?" :eek:
Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 5:22 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store wewent into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.
His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.
He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:29 am 
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Time to revive this thread...

Last time my Daddy was in the ICU @hospital me and my buddy Johnny Mack were visiting and John had need to adjust his leg. John lost the lower part of his left leg due to complications from diabetes, and has to adjust his prosthesis periodically during the day. As he was taking off his leg my Daddy perks up from his drug induced haze and said,"Boys, let me tell you about the Country Farmer and his Wedding Night. Seems the Farmer had been careless one evening with the plow team and severed his lower leg with a plow. Luckily one of the farmhands saw what happened and applied a tourniquet until they could get to the hospital. The Doctors patched him best they could and months later, when the Farmer had healed, fitted him with a prosthesis. The Farmer worked at relearning to walk and before too long was ambling about and if people didn't know his past, would not be able to tell he was disabled.

Months became Years and the Farmer met a young women at a Barn Social one county over and began courting her. During this time the Farmer worried that she might not share his feelings for him if she knew of his disability, and kept silent about it. He imagined that one day the subject would be broached and by then they would be in love and she would have to accept him for how he was.

Well, the leg was never discussed, they fell deeply in love, and were married. The Farmer knew that he'd have to tell his new bride about his leg now, on the first night of them being Man and Wife, but was still hesitant to bring it up. His new Bride sat him on the bed and said, "Wait here, I'll be right back." and was off to the bathroom to "freshen a bit."

The Farmer shrugged his shoulders and said to himself,"Oh, well. It's now or never." and proceeded to remove his clothes and his leg. He reclined into the bed and covered up with a blanket, to await his new Bride and to finally show her the secret he's been keeping from her. She returns to stand beside the bed and looks at her new Husband. Worried by the pained expression on his face she asks him what's the matter.

"Honey," he says, "I've been keeping a terrible secret from you. I was afraid that if you knew, you would run from me in horror and I'd lose you." "Please forgive me from keeping this from you." And with a swift flick of his wrist he throwed back the cover, revealing his stump.

His new Bride's eyes widdened for a moment then narrowed as she furrowed her brow, then relaxed, looked up and down the stump, and then she whistled through her teeth, shaking her head and said,"Well, I don't know but if you spit on it real good, we'll give it a try....."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 7:03 pm 
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:lol2:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 7:51 pm 
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Bubba went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?' asked Bubba. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said Bubba. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" Bubba answered, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose." The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any bad side effects." On Monday, Bubba dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
Bubba said, "No one showed up."

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