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thats great

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate the travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

I got up early, put on my long johns,

dressed quietly, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog,

slipped quietly
into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,

and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the
rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio,

and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty
years replied,

"Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"



I still don't know if she was joking......

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush.. ..

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
And screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in
the front of the plane. Then a man from Mississippi stood up in the rear of
the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and
hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women never ever meet.

LOL

Outsourcing has gone too far!

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......
Helllloooo!!!........bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20
bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'


The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of beer.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up the road, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these beers in tha truck!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the labels and stick ‘em on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?”, asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin”, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers and threw the empty bottles under the seat. They each put a label from the bottles on their forehead.
When they got to the roadblock, the sheriff asked, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No SIR,” Earl replied, “we’re on the patch!”

Ghost Sex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many
people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you, who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hands.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

3 students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any
you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, 'Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made
love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big Arkansas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiiit! , from way back thar I thought you said,
'Goats.'

was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom. 'Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom. 'Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, let's go!'

Fat guy and skinny guy in the bathroom taking a leak. Fat guy is fumbling with his pants trying to get his tool out under his big belly and skinny guy can't help but notice that he is having trouble and asks, "damn, how long has it been since you seen your d**k"?

Fat guy says, "long time".

Skinny guy says, "Why don't you diet"?

Fat guy replies, "what color is it now"?

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.




Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
_________________

*A woman was in a coma. She had been there for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of
Them was washing her private area when she noticed there was
a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She
tried it again, and sure enough there was a small recognizable
movement.

The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened,
Telling him,'As crazy as it sounds, maybe a little oral sex will
Stimulate her enough to bring her out of her coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but when they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy, he finally agreed and went
into his wife's room.

After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flat lined, ¦no pulse,
no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.*

*'What happened,' they cried!

The husband said,' I'm not sure. Maybe she choked???'*