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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 2:08 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
:lol2: :ugh:

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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 12:06 am 


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 12:06 am 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
Truth or Consequences

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy their 11 year old son returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son" said John"this robot is a lie detector now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quiveringTommy got up sat down and said"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.."

"I am ashamed of you son" said John. "When I was your age I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter almost in tears and said"Boy did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:21 am 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!


1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. The best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 11:13 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Welfare Office


A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

' Yep, they are all mine,'

the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.' :eek:





I BET U DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING...LOL :D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 11:03 am 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie weenie about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 2:50 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom .'

:D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:19 am 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their
boats?"

To which Murphy replies, "Well, if they fell forward they'd still be in
the ****' boat!"

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 Post subject: Best husband ever
PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2009 12:04 pm 
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Location: Pa.
http://www.wimp.com/besthusband/

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 12:52 am 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5
gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk

And take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 2:32 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
a gold oldie

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
:D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 10:08 pm 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live, could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris,however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough,
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:59 pm 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
A new teacher was introducing herself to her class.
"Good morning class, my name is Ms. Prussy. P-R-U-S-S-Y, Its like pussy cat except with an R"
The next morning she asked if anyone remembered her name.
A little boy raised his hand. "You remember my name?" asked the teacher
"I sure do!" said the little boy. "You're Ms. Crunt!"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 11:57 pm 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
Did you hear that the Georgia Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too.

Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished

coloring one of them.'

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:24 am 
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Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?" "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed naked.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of **** one?"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 9:46 am 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards though, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!”
Bruce came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned-locked myself to the floor,” she said.
“S ‘truth,” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up, “You’re stuck fast girl! I’ll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate).”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
“No way, we can’t do it,” Cobber said, “so let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B,” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her,” replied Cobber.
“Spot on,” Bruce said, “while you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?,” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”

“No,” Bruce replied, “but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive.”

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 12:11 am 
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A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband.
He says 'Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass. But noooooo, you thought it would hurt!'

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 12:17 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into
a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 12:39 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
HEAD SCRATCHERS ? :D

* Why's a round pizza come in a square box?

* Once you're in Heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

* If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

* Why are you IN a movie but ON TV?

* Why is "bra" singular but "panties" plural?

* If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

* Can a person cry underwater?

* Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there's not enough money?

* Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?

* How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

* Blow in a dog's face, he runs away. Take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window. Why?

* Ever notice kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

* How come no plastic bag will ever open from its end on the first try?

* How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

* Using sterilized needles for death by lethal injection???

* Ever notice people constantly return to the fridge in hopes something new will have materialized?

* Ever notice Superman stops a bullet with his chest but ducks when something's thrown at him?

* What disease did cured ham actually have?

* How is it we put a man on the moon before we figured out it's a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

* How important does a person have to be before they're considered "assassinated" instead of just murdered?

* Why do you have to "put your 2 cents in" but it's only "a penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?

* People say they slept like a baby -- but babies wake up every two hours.

* Doctors leave the room when you change. Why? They're going to see you naked anyway.

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you tell them the paint is wet?

* Ever notice no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

* In winter we keep the house as warm as it was in those summer days when we complained about the heat.

* Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in our butt?

* People keep running over string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

* If that professor in "Gilligan's Island" could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?

* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs.

* Human beings pay to go up in tall buildings like the Empire State Building then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground.

* If "Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares," why is there a stupid song about him?

* Kindly someone tell me the reason toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a crisp that no human being would ever eat?

* Corn oil's from corn, vegetable oil's from vegetables. What's baby oil from?

* And if electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Where's he shave? And with what?

* When you attempt to catch something falling off a table, doesn't it seem you always manage to knock something else over?

* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

* When someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart in a supermarket, why do we say, "It's all right." It isn't all right. So why don't we say, "That really hurt. Why don't you watch where you're going?"

* That stupid Alphabet Song and the well-known "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" song? Don't they have the same tune? And didn't you just try singing those same two stupid songs right now?

* Why does going to church make you a better Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car?

* And, please, the reason why we keep certain junk for years and years, finally throw it away and three weeks later it's just what we needed?

* And how old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:55 pm 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies. "I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get out."

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Chevy made the LUV before they made the S10, so 'Who's your Daddy?'


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 4:54 pm 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and
said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and
then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the
stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all
about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's
broken."

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