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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 3:28 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you'll let me have sex with you."


The girl looked at him shocked and said "Hell no!" He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up!" She thought for a moment and told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend.


So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down!" She agreed and accepts the proposal.


30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks, "What the **** happened?" Still breathing hard she managed to
reply, "That Muthafuker had all QUARTERS!!!!" (LOL) :D

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Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:44 am 


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:44 am 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam . . if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price ."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:08 am 
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Joke of the Day
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 8:19 pm 
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A Wife asks her
Husband, How many
Women have you slept with?
Husband proudly replies, Only
You, Darling-With all the
Others, I was awake!

Hospital Visiting Hours are; 10am - 4pm.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Jul 09, 2010 10:32 am 
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast :devil:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 10:24 pm 
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Dear Employees,
As the owner of the company I have to make a tough choice. Since Obama has become president the government taxes and fees on our company has risen to a staggering level.
To stay in business and compete with our rivals I must raise our prices by 20 percent or lay off 60 workers. In todays record unemployment I cannont justify raising our prices so I have decided to lay off 60 people.
To be fair, I walked through to company parking lot and found 60 cars with Obama bumper stickers. These 60 people will be the ones to go. You voted for change, you got it!
To the rest of you, see you at the annual company picnic.


The Boss.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:48 pm 
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saw this ad --

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... :devil:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 10:17 am 
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Shortly after a British Airways flight had taken off {despite the current cabin crew strike} the plane reached its cruising altitude, when the captain announced:






'Ladiesand Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from LondonHeathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relaxand...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'





One Irish passenger yelled... :devil:









'For f.....'s sake ...... you should see the back of mine!!!' :blush:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 7:55 am 
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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son......Now we swim around them a few times with the whole
fin showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't
we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without
the shit inside!"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 7:56 am 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
A new supermarket opened in town. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore...

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:42 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." :eek:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:22 am 
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said,
"So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They
reckon that'll calm me down."

The Chocolate Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "why are you
here?"

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Chocolate Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.


The Yellow Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you
here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I just want to
hump everything I see." "Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't
help myself. So I just hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Yellow and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, actually, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 11:50 am 
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A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.

A gorgeous petite blond walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for

me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.

It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies

you called for me.'

Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel

eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.

He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies

that you called for me.'

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way

with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a

smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the

$500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a

chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15

times a day. I'm outta here.'

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:43 pm 
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The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days, and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You **** are my kind of people...

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 11:18 am 
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HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'




THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 6:53 pm 
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THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork,
and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would
be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local
technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is
an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire
career" :eek:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:29 pm 
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Driving home one cold night a husband and wife spotted something in the middle of the road. They stopped and the wife got out to find a baby skunk, alive but shivering from the cold. She ask her husband if they cold take it home and release it in the morning, and he agreed. She got the skunk in the car and it was shaking from the cold. She ask her husband where she could put it to keep it warm. "How about between your legs, it will be nice and warm there" he said. "What about the smell?' she asked. Her husband replied " Just hold its little nose!"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 1:38 pm 
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A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes
home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing
it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he
goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
Reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband
Came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
Swished,and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:23 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance
man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the
yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been
to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how
much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no
lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 4:54 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."
:mad2:

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