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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:29 pm 
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60ft
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Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

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Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:42 pm 


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:42 pm 
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60ft
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,'
replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra
tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?'
asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of
his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I
tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?' 'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25
years But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again!

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 12:54 am 
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60ft
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Location: Brandon,MS.
:boxing:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:03 pm 
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriendwhen he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: 'Have you been drinking Sir?'

'Why?' asks the man, 'Was I driving badly?'

'No' replies the Officer, 'You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly girl in the passenger seat that made me suspicious'



One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling 'You son of a bitch!' he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.

The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.

"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."

"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help you."

"Oh really? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.

"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without peeing in your face!"
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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 2:20 am 
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:freakout:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 7:42 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
sent to me by a friend who wishes to remain anonymous :rolleyes:


The Washcloth
>
> Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a
> woman alive today who won't crack up over this----
>
> I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
>
> Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
> me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
>
>
>
> I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
> already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes,
> so I didn't have any time to spare.
>
> As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
> when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
> make the full effort.
>
>
>
> So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that
> was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
> area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth
> in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
>
>
>
> I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
>
> Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
> looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was
> in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
>
>
>
> I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an
> extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.
>
>
> After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
> rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
>
>
> After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
> from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'
>
> I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
> She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
> all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'
>
> Never going back to that doctor. Ever! :blush:

:lol2:
>

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 7:59 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:29 pm
Posts: 1549
Location: Atco NJ
ahahaha :freakout:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 8:12 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
Italian Confession
> >
> > An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini,
> > Italy,
> > went to the local church for confession.
> >
> > When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The
> > man said:
> >
> > 'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from
> > our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
> > her from
> > the Nazis.
> >
> > So I hid her in my attic.'
> >
> > The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and
> > you have no need to confess that.'
> >
> > 'There is more to tell, Father...
> > She started to repay me with sexual favors.
> > This happened several times a w
> eek, and sometimes
> > twice on Sundays.'
> > The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
> > you did,
> > you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under
> > those
> > circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
> > However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
> > indeed
> > forgiven.'
> >
> > 'Thank you, Father.
> > That's a great load off my mind.
> > I do have one more question.'
> > 'And what is that?' asked the priest.
> >
> > 'Should I tell her the war is over?''
>
:D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 12:01 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!" :eek:

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:53 am 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ' Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD ! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 12:19 pm 
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A teacher asked the redneck kid to make a sentence using incompletely! He say "when my balls hit my girlfriends ass I know I'm incompletely"

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 6:41 pm 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Achmed the Arab came to Canada from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, crap in de bocket, pee on de crap, and den put
your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."
:D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 11:05 pm 
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Location: Brandon,MS.
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

' Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father , it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:56 am 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
A woman traveling on a bus was trying to breast feed her new born ,
feeling frustrated she pointed to the man opposite and said to the baby , " If you don't take your
milk I'll give it to that man over there "
Desperately trying to feed her child the lady repeated this line several times
" If you don't take your milk I'll give it to that man over there "
Eventually the man stood up and said " Hey lady make up your dam mind quickly
cause I should 've got off six stops ago

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 9:29 pm 
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Sister Mary is walking into the church before Sunday service, when she sees little Timmy and Michael, the alter boys, with their pants down and their privates in the snow. She asks the boys, "what are you doing?" to which the boys reply "Father O'Hallihan likes 2 cold ones before mass"

Father Stan is on vacation, so Father Steve is doing his masses for the week. The Good Father holds confession before the 10 am Sunday service. The first person comes in, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I cheated on my wife." "Say 2 Our Fathers and 3 Hail Marys" The second person comes in, "I stole money from the register at work." "Say 3 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys," replies Father Steve. The third person comes in "Forgive me Father, I have comitted sodomy." "Hang on my son," says Father. Father asks the alter boy, "Son, what does Father Stan usually give for sodomy?" The alter boy replies, "A 6er of Bud and a pack of Marlboros"

There are 5 things a man needs in a woman to be happy:
1) He needs a woman who is good looking and pleasing on the eyes
2) He needs a woman who is good in the sack
3) He needs a woman who will cook, clean, sew, etc and do it all with a smile on her face
4) He needs a woman who will shower him with gifts and praise
5) It is very important that these 4 women not know each other

2 old guys are sitting in the park one day, when the first man says, "You know, today is my anniversary. Ive been married for 50 years." "Really?" replies the second man. "Yea, that old broad just wont die."


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 9:36 pm 
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Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:46 am 
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Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:59 am
Posts: 15
Location: Bristol Pa.
Ain't it the truth!!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 10:14 am 
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Quarter mile
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Posts: 2802
Location: englishtown ,nj
>> ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...
>
>> On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
>> turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
>> struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
>> Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to
>> die',
>> she wails.
>> Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
>> earth
>> to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel
> like a
>> WOMAN?
>> For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
>
>> They
>> all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
>> Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
> handsome,
>> tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to
> walk
>> slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.....
>> No one moves .... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his
> chest

>> ....She gasps as he touches her shoulder ... and He says.....

>> Here - 'Iron this, and get me something to eat....' :D
:D :D

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 3:45 pm 
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Posts: 230
Location: Brandon,MS.
Exercises for People over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there along as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks. Then try 50lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Thread!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 10:31 am 
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Quarter mile
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Location: englishtown ,nj
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.-

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting 'oral pleasure' from an 85 year old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

<
< When you think you have the correct answer toggle down for the correct answer.....
The correct answer is........



You know your gonna hate yourself for looking :banghead:














:eek:


DON'T LOOK DOWN !!! :D

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